Now they're full grown and pretty close in size. What Asshat #1 has in muscle, Asshat #2 compensates for by having crazy octopus arms. No for real, I would swear that boy has eight arms when he wants to be an asshole and poke me in the muffin top - just for shits and giggles.
So I do try really hard to ignore them when they horse around. Kind of hard though when you can hear all kinds of crashing and banging and you don't know if the house is coming down. Monday night they started. I turned my stereo on and tried to ignore them. Of course, they just upped the ante.
Asshat #2: No! That's going to hurt!
My Brain: Ignore them. They'll stop sooner or later. Come on, you can do this! Just ignore them for five more minutes - you can win this battle!
Asshat #1: Quit being such a pussy!
Asshat #2: No! laugh No! laugh No! That's going to hurt! scream.
My Brain: Well I guess you'd better go see what the fuck is going on.
So I went out to the kitchen. There they are, Asshat #2 in full out squirm (think wrestling silly string and you've got the idea) with Asshat #1 sitting on top of him holding a Barbecue Igniter.
You know that red button you push to light your barbecue?
The one that shoots a spark out of it's ass?
I, being a semi-responsible adult try to get them to quit.
Me: Get off your brother and don't zap him with that.
Asshat #1 makes like he's going to zap me as I'm trying to grab the effing thing.
Asshat #2: If I get it, I'm going to zap your tongue. No, I'm gonna zap your balls. No, I'm gonna zap your rectum.
Somehow in the midst of muscles wrestling silly string , Asshat #2 gets the igniter. (Remember the crazy octopus arms?)
Wanna know what he did once he had it? He zapped his tongue. His own tongue.
Asshat #2: Aah, my tooth!
Apparently if you try to zap your tongue with a barbecue igniter, the zap will jump to your tooth.