When the Asshats are really acting up and beating on each other, I always tell myself the same thing.
At least nobody's been shot in the eye with a BB Gun.
Up until I was four, we lived next door to a large family. All of them thought I was adorable and treated me like a favorite toy or something equally special. Then we moved.
Somebody, call it fate, call it God, whatever your personal persuasion, knew long ago that I was going to wind up raising 2 Asshats mostly on my own. In their infinite wisdom they had a family with three boys move in to the house next door right before our arrival.
I was no longer the favored one. I was the substitute crash test dummy. The one they picked on instead of their baby sister, although I'm sure they picked on her too.
Growing up next door to three farm boys is - interesting. You learn fast that you had better not be afraid of snakes.
Summers we all ran around the farm, barefoot usually. I used to catch shit often if the Mulberries were in season. It wasn't like you could lie and say you weren't running around barefoot under the mulberry tree because the black feet kind of gave it away. You can't scrub that shit off by the way.
They boys did stuff like hunting crayfish in the ditch. Nobody ever worried about the five households with their septic tanks running right into the ditch. There they all were, barefoot in shit water hunting stuff that looked like bugs. Of course the shit water is probably why the Asparagus we all ate in the spring grew so well on the ditch bank.
When the smelt were running, they would always bring home pails of them. So much that my mom got half. It's been over 30 years but I bet I still know how to gut a smelt.
Across the road from our houses were acres of bush. The three boys had a permanent year round campsite set up out there. Apparently at least one of them had a BB Gun as well.
The story they told all the parents was someone let go of a branch and it flung back and hit the youngest boy in the eye. He spent a week in the hospital with the doctors trying to save his eye. They saved the eye but he's blind in it.
That's right, one of his brother's shot him in the eye with a BB gun.
Please vote for me at Circle of Mom's Top 25 Funny Mom's contest, even though I'm still pending approval and petrified they'll have a bouncer come and toss me out on my ear. You can vote every day for the next 14 days.